Ah yes, the kitchen. The place where you succumb to your palatable desires. The most magical place in your house (Yup, the bedroom is only the second). It is where we satisfy our cravings. And the bedroom is where we satisfy our other cravings. But of course, we can cure both cravings in the kitchen. Admit it, for those of you who haven’t tried having sex in the heavenly place, you dream of doing it. Heck, you still probably have “kitchen sex” in your porn history.
But this article is not just for those who haven’t tried it. It’s for all of you. Why? Because to those who have done this on a regular basis, there’s a thing or two that you might learn. Oh, just read on. You might be doing it wrong for all you know. So here’s a checklist of what you should do and need to know…
1. Set the Scene
Hopefully, we don’t need to tell you that knives and sex don’t go together, but just in case — make sure to clean your kitchen before you start doing anything kinky on the counters. Stowaway any cutlery, wash the dishes and load the dishwasher, make sure all of the burners on the stove are cool, and probably most importantly, wipe down the counters. While it doesn’t seem likely, there are certain spices, foods, and condiments that could not only make you break out in a rash but cause physical pain if they get in touch with your super-sensitive skin or hers. For example jalapeños or other spicy peppers, which have sent kinky couples to the emergency room many times before.
2. Use Food In Your Foreplay
While some ingredients aren’t right for the recipe to crazy hot kitchen sex, other ones are. Since what’s turning you on is partly the sensuality of cooking and being in the kitchen, don’t be afraid to incorporate a little sexy food into your foreplay. It might seem cliche, but there’s a reason the whipped cream bikini from Varsity Blues is such a memorable scene (and uh, visual image for you): It’s hot. Go with the dessert theme because it’ll keep both of your breaths the freshest. From strawberries and blueberries to honey and chocolate, put it anywhere you want to lick and any place you want her to suck. Don’t worry about the clean-up or the mess, that’ll come post-orgasm (and hey, might even lead you to shower sex, too).
3. Leverage the Countertop
When it comes to mixing up your standardized sex positions, few things can be so handy as a good countertop. It provides new angles for oral, new surfaces to lean or bolster yourselves against, and new levels of approach. Taking turns going down on one another while one of you sits on the counter, then play around position-wise. See where you land. Try not to break any glassware.
4. Use Your Tools
You are quite literally surrounded by a wealth of tools. Sure, you might not want to employ your can opener (though, if that’s the case, we’re certainly not here to judge). But nonetheless, there are a few easier-to-employ goods around. For impact play, consider something on the softer side like a rubber spatula. Maybe slide pot holders or kitchen towels under your knees to make contact with those icy cold floor tiles a bit more comfortable. Use the blunter end of a vibrating milk frother to help stimulate your partner. Wear an apron with nothing underneath. Get a little creative.
5. The Fridge is Your Friend
Whether you go the rom-com route and dress your partner in fluffy swirls of whipped cream, or you lean more roughage-heavy and employ a cucumber as a dildo, your fridge likely contains plenty of ways to spice up your intercourse. Grab some ice cubes from the freezer and experiment with a bit of temperature play (or vice versa with just about anything warm you’ve got on hand—though, please avoid boiling water). Even consider rubbing up with some coconut oil.
6. Be Spontaneous
Odds are, you’re spending a decent amount of time in the kitchen. Whether you’re cooking, pouring drinks, taking calls, or scrounging up the occasional treat, it’s a near-impossible space to avoid in your day today. So, whenever possible, allow your kitchen sex to feel the moment. If you and your partner happen to be cooking, and you’re feeling particularly smitten, act on it. No need to retire to the bedroom when you’ve got the whole kitchen at your disposal. Just make sure no one else is planning on popping in for a snack.
7. Set a Timer
Sex within a time frame will always have a particular excitement about it. So, if you and your partner are in the midst of food prep, choose to squeeze in your boning session while something’s in the oven. Set your timer, and see if you can get off before the roast is done or whatever kink cake it is you are baking.
8. Take (Some) Precautionary Measures
Sure, the kitchen’s small selection of dangers can be enticing. But, however impromptu your sex may be, take care to move any brandished knives from the countertop to the sink, set aside fragile glassware, or turn off burners still flaming away. You want a spontaneous orgasm, not a spontaneous house fire.
9. Create Visuals For Later
If you live with your girlfriend or wife, another perk of hot kitchen sex is the memories that it makes. Not only are you christening every room of your house, but the next time you’re sitting down to have a meal, you both might find yourself pleasantly smirking at what you did right on that same table a few days before.
Now, to spice it all up, here a few things that you might want to consider doing in your kitchen…
Oh, and ladies, since you are the queen of the kitchen (I’m not being sexist, I’m just telling it like it is. I mean, girls, you wouldn’t want your man to be in charge of the kitchen, right?), you should probably be the one to initiate these. And guys, have your woman read this, please…
The Deep Freeze
Your kitchen is basically a beginner S&M dungeon waiting to happen. Yup, as I’ve mentioned above, use your tools Affix your partner to the fridge handles using plastic wraps around their wrists. Try a smart smack on their butt with a spatula, and slide an ice cube up the inner thigh or down the back. If y’all are brave, yes, you can use chip clips as nipple clamps. Make a pact to never speak of it again next time you open up a bag of Doritos.
The Banana Split
Sit his ass on a barstool in the middle of the kitchen with his back to the counter so he doesn’t see all his future garnishes, aka whatever food substance you’d enjoy dripping, drizzling, or licking off his penis. This will get messy, but better in the kitchen than on your sheets, right? Put an old towel down first if the mess is just not worth the reward. He should def return the favor with the topping of your choosing — just keep sugary stuff from getting inside you.
The Special Order
Yup, from the number 3 from above… Try a sitting reverse cowgirl with him propped up in a chair facing the counter. This delivers super-deep penetration, plus you can use the counter for leverage to get your hips exactly where you want them. And a reach-around by him would be a lovely way to the tip.
Counting on You
The kitchen really has the most convenient sex furniture in any room. Solve the problem with most standing positions (nothing to hold on to, difficult access) by trying it in a corner where two cabinets meet (if your kitchen doesn’t have this, sorry. Maybe move). Park your butt in the corner and open a lower cabinet so you have something to prop your foot on. There’s plenty of counter space for you to hold on to, which is good because you’ll need it. See? The countertop has more use than you even knew.
Dine and Dash
What is it about cooking that makes the other person want to come up behind and nuzzle the chef’s neck? If you want to lean all the way into this fantasy, try wearing an apron and nothing else. If you, like me, don’t really “cook” per se, mixing drinks, unpacking take-out containers, etc. definitely counts. If they don’t get the idea in about two seconds, bend over the counter and they’ll figure it out. Rear-entry positions are A+ for you because they allow you both easy access to stimulate your clit.
So here you have it, folks. By the way, image credits to Katie Buckleitner. Very useful, indeed. Thanks!